BY MARYALICE MELI MAMELI@NCNEWSONLINE.COM

A murder mystery film, based on our experience at Cucina Pazzo, might be called, "Death By Spatula." The logline (brief description a la TV Guide) would read: "Chef at new Ellwood City restaurant gives New Castle News reporters his secret recipes, then kills them." It would be a short but yummy movie. Writer Louise Carroll, photographer Erica Mihok and I showed up a few weeks ago for a sampling of dishes and to interview two of the four owners: John Swisher and Alfunzino "Funzi" Parente. They started us with an appetizer of sliced soppressata, the salami of salamis, with dense flavors boosted by a marinara dipping sauce. Louise said a big glass of wine would have gone well after the soppressata. However, while a handsome bottle of Via Firenze Chianti stands on each table, Swisher made no move to open and pour. Maybe, he thought we'd be insulted, considering it a possible bribe for our journalistic good favor. I, for one, would never be insulted by a bit of the grape but we didn't have time even to hint for it because waitress Sheryl Ewing brought the dishes whose recipes Chef Funzi declined to reveal. Now, here's my challenge to those of you reading this, whether or not you have visited Cucina Pazzo: give me your ideas for recipes for these three dishes. I'll check them out with Funzi to see how close we get and print them in a future column. Of course, those pazzos make many more dishes than these three but were an ample tasting of the Crazy Kitchen's style, even without wine. First, we tried a truly unique lasagna that Funzi learned from his mother, Luisa Carlotta. It's not baked. All ingredients are previously cooked, then layered -- not in a casserole -- and served in a round bowl. The sauce is neither acidic nor sweet but a rich flavor of many things unseen, including wine. My late mother-in-law, Clelia Meli, liked to simmer pork chops in her sauce until the meat fell off the bones. I'm sure many cooks do that; it was luscious and tasty, just like Funzi's. What is in it? One of the biggest secrets to his lasagna is his wife, Mary's, homemade pasta. The thin noodles cut in squares of about two inches melt in your mouth. I wouldn't expect anyone to know how to make these but, if you do, let me know. The noodles and sauce are layered with chopped, hard boiled eggs, baby meatballs (the kind you make for wedding soup), small chunks of Italian sausage (hot or mild? I couldn't tell and Funzi wouldn't say) and the softest ricotta cheese. Does he mix sour cream with the ricotta? I don't know but it was lovely. Next came a bowl of spaghetti capped with a meatball the size of a baseball, looking like the top of a trophy. Some patrons have told Swisher, the meatball is too big. The ingredients and how Funzi mixes them are a secret but I've only been able to get that fine a texture with a food processor. Of course, my fingers are Irish-Slovenian, not Italian; that may make a difference, too. The tiny green specs may be parsley, basil, oregano, rosemary or a combination. The veal parmesan covered a dinner plate and served all three of us. Swisher said it is not a veal cutlet but a veal steak pounded until thin and tender. The edges are crispy. We finished with a slice of deep-fried cheesecake, raspberry sauce and shaved chocolate made by The Cheesecake Factory on Pittsburgh's South Side and cups of Starbucks coffee. Help me figure out how Funzi does it. E-mail your suggestions to mameli@ncnewsonline.com or fax to (724) 752-8733 or mail to: New Castle News, 27 N. Mercer St., New Castle, Pa. 16101, and stay tuned.